in every tech company, there's an unsung hero. it's not the senior developer who can debug production issues in their sleep. it's not the product manager who somehow makes sense of conflicting stakeholder requests. it's the coffee machine.

the morning standup

it's 9:15 am. the team clusters around our faithful coffee machine, waiting for their daily dose of motivation. this is where the real standup happens:

  • "what did you do yesterday?" - "waited for builds to complete"
  • "what will you do today?" - "first, coffee"
  • "any blockers?" - "the coffee machine needs descaling"

the metrics that matter

some key performance indicators of our most reliable team member:

  • uptime: 99.9% (better than our production servers)
  • response time: 45 seconds per cup
  • user satisfaction: immeasurable
  • bugs fixed per cup: approximately 3.7

a love letter to caffeine

dear coffee machine,

you've been there through:

  • countless deployment emergencies
  • late-night coding sessions
  • merge conflict resolutions
  • that one time we had to refactor the entire codebase

the real cost of downtime

that one day you broke down, we learned the true meaning of "critical infrastructure." productivity dropped by 73%. the backup instant coffee solution was met with universal disdain. three developers threatened to quit.

conclusion

to all the coffee machines out there, keeping developers functional and code somewhat readable: we salute you. you are the true mvp of every development team.

now, if you'll excuse me, i need another cup.